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In related news, Cleveland fans are already burning his jersey in bonfires all across Ohio…
It may be one of the weaker drafts in recent memory, but that doesn’t make the pageantry of draft night any less special. Still, it could be even more special, if any of these dream scenarios happen.
Kyrie Irving goes #1
As expected, the Cleveland Cavaliers draft Kyrie Irving of Duke with the first overall pick. ESPN plays the 1985 hit “Kyrie”, by Mister Mister, the most modern piece of music they have used on an NBA program in years. In his interview, Irving guarantees that the Cavaliers will return to the Sweet 16 before the Miami Heat ever do, but acknowledges that it might be tough to make the Elite Eight.
David Kahn makes a deal
After days of trade rumors and maneuvers involving nearly half the teams in the NBA, David Kahn announces that he has traded the #2 pick in the draft for the #6, straight-up.
Dan Gilbert takes revenge
With the fourth pick, the Cavaliers announce they have selected “Fuck You, LeBron James,” from “Ringless University”. When David Stern asks for clarification, a visibly drunk Dan Gilbert insists that’s his real selection, and places a Cavs hat on each of his extended middle fingers.
Brandin Knight crashes the draft
When the Toronto Raptors select Brandon Knight of Kentucky, a 30-year-old man in a Pitt jersey bounds out of the stands to shake David Stern’s hand. It’s Brandin Knight, former Big East Player of the Year, and Brevin’s little brother. As Brandin puts on his Raptors hat, and a stunned Brandon Knight waits at the wings, Bryan Colangelo frantically shuffles his notes to check his spelling, while his assistant GM vomits into a garbage can. “The NBA is all about second chances! We did it, everybody!”, Brandin yells, before re-tearing his ACL right there on the podium.
Michael Jordan drafts both Morris twins
After the Bobcats blew up their roster again today, sending away Shaun Livingston and Stephen Jackson, while picking up a top-10 pick. Jordan shocks the experts by selecting Marcus Morris of Kansas at #7 and his twin brother Markieff at #9. While Jordan claims he loves both brothers, an anonymous source claims Jordan simply got confused as to which was which, and insisted on drafting both as a precaution.
For reasons that go unexplained, Kwame Brown is forced to walk all of Charlotte’s selections to the podium himself, while Jordan quietly berates him, occasionally slapping him in the back of the head with the cards, Great Santini-style. When the cameras cut to Rick Cho, he’s in the parking garage, sticking a hose into the driver’s side window of his car.
The Kings draft Jimmer
With the #10 pick, the Sacramento Kings pick Jimmer Fredette, and immediately announce that they only did it to screw over the state of Utah, as revenge for their efforts to ban gay marriage in California. The Jazz update their “Best Caucasian Available” draft board, and frantically begin placing calls to Kyle Singler’s agent.
Houston can’t make up their minds at #23
An indecisive Darryl Morey can’t decide which Eastern European prospect he wants to stash overseas, so he submits a draft card made up solely of consonants, in hopes that he can decide on the specific Lithuanian player he wants later. When David Stern questions the pick, Morey quickly scrawls random diacritical marks over every “c” in the fake name. Chad Ford gives the pick a B+.
The Oklahoma City Thunder select Thor
With a stacked roster, Sam Presti uses the Thunder’s first-round pick on Thor, the Norse god of thunder who currently lives in Okalahoma. In a statement released by his agent, Loki, Russell Westbrook declares that he will be the one to wield the mighty hammer Mjolnir in the fourth quarter.
Bethlehem Shoals and David Roth will be liveblogging the draft at the above link, and we will all be better for it.