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Season Finale: Ultimate Restaurant Fighting!
Like a freshly pumped basketball rolling out of a high school gymnasium in Connecticut only to upset a nest of Yellow-headed Blackbirds whose chirping stirs a lady cat in a perfume shop to play with her ball of yarn until it bumps a desk and knocks over a bottle of white paint, the contents of which spill onto said lady cat, forming a perfect white line on her back that fools an oversexed skunk with a French accent into repeated acts of wooing that, when unreciprocated, drives the skunk into a lovers rage so that he buys a loaded pistol from a pawn shop and corners lady cat, who he thinks is a skunk, to tell her with the wild eyes of Max Cady in Cape Fear … this is the end!
It’s the season finale of The Basketball Wives and we’re off to a classy start. Shots of Miami Beach scored to some song I’ve never heard before that goes like this:
Hold up/Now turn around/Like the way you doing that thang/Turn around/Trying to see ya pop n jerk it/Work it, twerk it/Put it on me/TURN AROUND!
Am I listening to music or being mugged?
Anyway, Jennifer makes a highly articulate point about Evelyn’s budding relationship with NFL wide receiver Chad Ochocinco. “Chad sent (Evelyn) some flowers, aaand some shoes, which— I thought it was sweet but… a little weird? Because they hadn’t met. So it’s like, I don’t know. Like, who does that?”
Prufrock.

Jennifer warns Evelyn to take it slow, especially with an athlete. I get the feeling that Jennifer and Evelyn have been stranded on “Athleteless Island” for awhile now – far too long – but now Evelyn might be getting airlifted back to the pro athlete mainland with its multiple cars and expensive make up gifts while Jennifer is left on the island starving, athleteless, and staring at a guy who owns an auto dealership until he starts to look like a hot dog.

Measles Island (no athletes)
Do you guys remember Pope Mike the gym trainer who took Evelyn ice skating? Evelyn invites him over for dinner to explain to him, in front of cameras, that she can’t date him because he’s too young, he’s too inexperienced and he’s too, mmm, unprofessional footbally? 

The kick is they have real chemistry, unlike Ochocinco who negs Evelyn into submission. Mike is kind with compliments as he stands in the kitchen cooking Evelyn her favorite meal. 

Lip Lause Line Launch party, y’all! Jennifer has a launch party for her line of lip gloss. I had no idea that people threw parties for niche cosmetics. Then again why would I? Half my socks have holes in them and I only wear two pairs of jeans. The rest of the girls seem as confused though. “This isn’t really giving me launch party feel. It feels like us getting together for dinner,” says Shaunie.

Jennifer introduces the girls to her lawyer (she has more than one). He gives her the good news that a store is interested in carrying her lip gloss. Come again? I thought the whole idea of “launch parties” is to celebrate when a thing – for example the space shuttle – launches. This lip gloss isn’t even in a store yet? Shaunie is right. Lets just call this what it is— dinner.
Evelyn flies to Cincinnati to see Ochocinco. Unlike with Mike, no home cooked meal awaits; Ochocinco can’t even make vodka on the rocks. What he can do is take her in his Rolls Royce to the hottest restaurant in Cincinnati, probably, to discuss his “intentions” with a rich divorcee who flew from Miami to Cincinnati to visit a man she previously only talked to on Skype. After dinner they go back to his place where he carries her up some stairs, and presumably off Athleteless Island.

Yelp should sponsor this show. We are now on the sixth restaurant scene of the episode; this time for Jennifer’s birthday. What happens next is an absolute puddle of confusing emotions.
Tami starts to weep at the table, and tells everyone that Evelyn inspires her to get back on her grind; the modern day equivalent of getting back on a horse. I don’t like it because it’s sad, and I don’t want to feel sad for any of these people but I do – right now – for Tami. I will never forget that moment when she stood up at the dinner table and told everyone, “I have to go use the bathroom.”

So after Tami tells Evelyn that she inspires her because of how much Evelyn reminds Tami of herself, when she was younger, prettier and dating a rich athlete, Evelyn – who is younger, prettier and still dating rich athletes – whispers to Shaunie that she has a secret: Evelyn dated Tami’s ex-husband Kenny Anderson for six months WHILE THEY WERE STILL MARRIED.

Obviously Evelyn has to tell Tami and obviously the appropriate time is not now, at this restaurant, seconds after Tami cried her guts out about Evelyn being her inspiration. But obviously Shaunie is a stickler for the truth, and DUH – obvs; WINNING – there is the matter of this reality TV show they are all on. So Shaunie tells Evelyn to go tell Tami that she slept with her ex-husband. (GULP)
Dear readers, it is not pretty. Evelyn insists she didn’t know they were married. After Tami digests the news she assures everybody listening that no ho (read Evelyn), or no bitch (read Evelyn), or no jump off (read last episode) can convince her they didn’t know Kenny Anderson was married. She’s right. Hell I even knew it and I haven’t been a groupie since I was reincarnated. Tami feels betrayed, but not because Evelyn slept with her husband– she is past that. She realizes now Evelyn was never her friend. 
Eventually the truth slips out. During the heat of the argument Evelyn yells at Tami “You were a non-mothafucking-factor bitch!" Tami lunges for her throat. Hair is pulled, arms flail, and the entire restaurant has to pull the two apart. Tami is fuming, and for the first time on this show I understand why.
“You’re going to tell me that you slept with my ex-husband and that I was obsolete – that I didn’t matter. That is disrespectful,” she says.
One more:
“I felt that she had just displayed the ultimate form of betrayal in terms of what I thought our friendship was developing into.”
Wait, one one more:
“If I was smiling in your face, and had fucked your man and didn’t tell you that shit— that shit is FOUL.”

My God this show is evil.
And not just evil because, clearly, they set up this whole “I have a secret” angle so Tami would freak out. This show is evil because it was the best moment of the season! It was mesmerizing. The misery of another human being had me giving thumbs up from my throne at the coliseum— couch at the coliseum (I live in a coliseum). This show makes me Miami Hate myself.
But then I must pause and remember why I did these recaps in the first place; I did these recaps… for you. 
For you, the lonely toll booth operator slaving away in his booth without any time to watch reality TV, but with the time to read extra long recaps about reality TV; for you, the grad student at MIT who never heard of The Basketball Wives but may have just found a way to reduce activation loss in fuel cell research. Why? Because she saved time by reading these recaps instead of watching a stupid show she didn’t know existed; and of course I did this for you. Yes you, right there. The one reading this on your desktop/laptop/iPad/Kindle/Zune/microfiche held up to light.
And for all this hard work, recapping each of these 10 glorious episodes, you are welcome. You. Are. Welcome.
Now if you will excuse me, I have to go take a Silkwood shower.
Goodbye
[SlapClap]

Season Finale: Ultimate Restaurant Fighting!

Like a freshly pumped basketball rolling out of a high school gymnasium in Connecticut only to upset a nest of Yellow-headed Blackbirds whose chirping stirs a lady cat in a perfume shop to play with her ball of yarn until it bumps a desk and knocks over a bottle of white paint, the contents of which spill onto said lady cat, forming a perfect white line on her back that fools an oversexed skunk with a French accent into repeated acts of wooing that, when unreciprocated, drives the skunk into a lovers rage so that he buys a loaded pistol from a pawn shop and corners lady cat, who he thinks is a skunk, to tell her with the wild eyes of Max Cady in Cape Fear … this is the end!

It’s the season finale of The Basketball Wives and we’re off to a classy start. Shots of Miami Beach scored to some song I’ve never heard before that goes like this:

Hold up/Now turn around/Like the way you doing that thang/Turn around/Trying to see ya pop n jerk it/Work it, twerk it/Put it on me/TURN AROUND!

Am I listening to music or being mugged?

Anyway, Jennifer makes a highly articulate point about Evelyn’s budding relationship with NFL wide receiver Chad Ochocinco. “Chad sent (Evelyn) some flowers, aaand some shoes, which— I thought it was sweet but… a little weird? Because they hadn’t met. So it’s like, I don’t know. Like, who does that?

Prufrock.

Photobucket

Jennifer warns Evelyn to take it slow, especially with an athlete. I get the feeling that Jennifer and Evelyn have been stranded on “Athleteless Island” for awhile now – far too long – but now Evelyn might be getting airlifted back to the pro athlete mainland with its multiple cars and expensive make up gifts while Jennifer is left on the island starving, athleteless, and staring at a guy who owns an auto dealership until he starts to look like a hot dog.

Photobucket

Measles Island (no athletes)

Do you guys remember Pope Mike the gym trainer who took Evelyn ice skating? Evelyn invites him over for dinner to explain to him, in front of cameras, that she can’t date him because he’s too young, he’s too inexperienced and he’s too, mmm, unprofessional footbally? 

Photobucket

The kick is they have real chemistry, unlike Ochocinco who negs Evelyn into submission. Mike is kind with compliments as he stands in the kitchen cooking Evelyn her favorite meal. 

Photobucket

Lip Lause Line Launch party, y’all! Jennifer has a launch party for her line of lip gloss. I had no idea that people threw parties for niche cosmetics. Then again why would I? Half my socks have holes in them and I only wear two pairs of jeans. The rest of the girls seem as confused though. “This isn’t really giving me launch party feel. It feels like us getting together for dinner,” says Shaunie.

Photobucket

Jennifer introduces the girls to her lawyer (she has more than one). He gives her the good news that a store is interested in carrying her lip gloss. Come again? I thought the whole idea of “launch parties” is to celebrate when a thing – for example the space shuttle – launches. This lip gloss isn’t even in a store yet? Shaunie is right. Lets just call this what it is— dinner.

Evelyn flies to Cincinnati to see Ochocinco. Unlike with Mike, no home cooked meal awaits; Ochocinco can’t even make vodka on the rocks. What he can do is take her in his Rolls Royce to the hottest restaurant in Cincinnati, probably, to discuss his “intentions” with a rich divorcee who flew from Miami to Cincinnati to visit a man she previously only talked to on Skype. After dinner they go back to his place where he carries her up some stairs, and presumably off Athleteless Island.

Photobucket

Yelp should sponsor this show. We are now on the sixth restaurant scene of the episode; this time for Jennifer’s birthday. What happens next is an absolute puddle of confusing emotions.

Tami starts to weep at the table, and tells everyone that Evelyn inspires her to get back on her grind; the modern day equivalent of getting back on a horse. I don’t like it because it’s sad, and I don’t want to feel sad for any of these people but I do – right now – for Tami. I will never forget that moment when she stood up at the dinner table and told everyone, “I have to go use the bathroom.

Photobucket

So after Tami tells Evelyn that she inspires her because of how much Evelyn reminds Tami of herself, when she was younger, prettier and dating a rich athlete, Evelyn – who is younger, prettier and still dating rich athletes – whispers to Shaunie that she has a secret: Evelyn dated Tami’s ex-husband Kenny Anderson for six months WHILE THEY WERE STILL MARRIED.

Photobucket

Obviously Evelyn has to tell Tami and obviously the appropriate time is not now, at this restaurant, seconds after Tami cried her guts out about Evelyn being her inspiration. But obviously Shaunie is a stickler for the truth, and DUH – obvs; WINNING – there is the matter of this reality TV show they are all on. So Shaunie tells Evelyn to go tell Tami that she slept with her ex-husband. (GULP)

Dear readers, it is not pretty. Evelyn insists she didn’t know they were married. After Tami digests the news she assures everybody listening that no ho (read Evelyn), or no bitch (read Evelyn), or no jump off (read last episode) can convince her they didn’t know Kenny Anderson was married. She’s right. Hell I even knew it and I haven’t been a groupie since I was reincarnated. Tami feels betrayed, but not because Evelyn slept with her husband– she is past that. She realizes now Evelyn was never her friend. 

Eventually the truth slips out. During the heat of the argument Evelyn yells at Tami “You were a non-mothafucking-factor bitch!" Tami lunges for her throat. Hair is pulled, arms flail, and the entire restaurant has to pull the two apart. Tami is fuming, and for the first time on this show I understand why.

You’re going to tell me that you slept with my ex-husband and that I was obsolete – that I didn’t matter. That is disrespectful,” she says.

One more:

I felt that she had just displayed the ultimate form of betrayal in terms of what I thought our friendship was developing into.”

Wait, one one more:

If I was smiling in your face, and had fucked your man and didn’t tell you that shit— that shit is FOUL.

Photobucket

My God this show is evil.

And not just evil because, clearly, they set up this whole “I have a secret” angle so Tami would freak out. This show is evil because it was the best moment of the season! It was mesmerizing. The misery of another human being had me giving thumbs up from my throne at the coliseum— couch at the coliseum (I live in a coliseum). This show makes me Miami Hate myself.

But then I must pause and remember why I did these recaps in the first place; I did these recaps… for you. 

For you, the lonely toll booth operator slaving away in his booth without any time to watch reality TV, but with the time to read extra long recaps about reality TV; for you, the grad student at MIT who never heard of The Basketball Wives but may have just found a way to reduce activation loss in fuel cell research. Why? Because she saved time by reading these recaps instead of watching a stupid show she didn’t know existed; and of course I did this for you. Yes you, right there. The one reading this on your desktop/laptop/iPad/Kindle/Zune/microfiche held up to light.

And for all this hard work, recapping each of these 10 glorious episodes, you are welcome. You. Are. Welcome.

Now if you will excuse me, I have to go take a Silkwood shower.

Goodbye

[SlapClap]

Ep 9 Recap: Jump Off Jump-Offs
The Basketball Wives go to the oldest restaurant in Madrid named Botin. It will not come as a shock when I tell you that the girl’s taste buds don’t translate well to another food culture. Their generous waiter serves up the house specialty as a gift: a whole roasted suckling pig. 
I stopped eating meat over a year ago. However leaving that aside, in defense of the Wives – God help me - it can be a queasy experience eating food that still has its head attached if you’re not accustomed to that presentation. The important thing is to have the appropriate response to the kind gesture; express gratitude for the hospitality instead of picking up the roast pig and handing it back to the waiter with an “ew” face or covering a napkin over the pig that took 3+ hours to cook like it’s too much wedding cake.

"SQUEE!"
Tami’s reaction is especially egregious and more than a little forced. She’s so grossed out by the idea of pig for food she runs out onto the balcony pretending to almost vomit. Never mind that last episode we saw her panties go sploosh watching a bull get killed. 

The girls go to a Flamenco show next. Before the show they meet famous Flamenco dancer Rafael who charms them by mispronouncing eggplant and punctuating all of his sentences with the word “honey” like he’s Flo from Alice. During the show he brings Royce onstage and dances with her; it’s like a Spanish version of “Dancing in the Dark" without the Carlton dance.
Montage Alert: thong butt, board shorts, volleyball net, sign that says Miami. We must be back in Miami! 
It can be hard to get back into the swing of things after a long trip. You have to find your routine. For Evelyn and Jennifer that means gossip and day drinking; check and check. Jennifer hates Rafer Alston’s baby’s momma’s (momma’s momma) Ashley, and has heard from reliable blogs that Rafer is stashing away another woman in New Jersey. 
Evelyn asks the obvious next question; the one we were all thinking. All of us. “Who is the jump-off?” Evelyn doesn’t know if Ashley is the jump-off or if the girl in New Jersey is the jump-off, but since Ashley and Rafer have had a child together it’s more likely that the girl in Jersey is “probably more jump off-ish.”

In lieu of things actually happening, one of the most popular setups on The Basketball Wives is for someone to surprise someone else at dinner. It happened to Gloria Barnes in episode 3 and, most famously, it happened in Season 1 when the ghost of Wilt Chamberlain’s prom date appeared unannounced at brunch and gave a 45 minute lecture on the importance of abstinence. 
 

GHA-GHA-GHA-GHA-Ghost!
This time Ashley surprises Royce by inviting Suzie to dinner. Royce takes it in stride, maybe because she threw Suzie under the bus in Spain by telling Tami that Suzie called Tami a cunt after Suzie met Tami. Also, I never want to write again.
Rafer Alston and his jump-on again/jump-off again girlfriend Ashley visit Evelyn’s shoe shop. Jennifer seems shell-shocked to be in the same room as the people she just trashed. Plus Rafer and her have something of a past. Jennifer was still with Eric Williams when Eric and Rafer were teammates on now legendary ‘04-05 Toronto Raptors team: Donyell Marshall, Morris Peterson, Matt Bonner, Jalen Rose, Aaron Williams, Eric Williams, Loren Woods. That team broke a league record for most useless combo-forwards.
Rafer buys Ashley a pair of $1,155 dollar shoes and they stroll out of the store as if to say “We got your jump-off… of a cliff.”
For some reason there is a dramatic scene involving Jennifer’s visit to a divorce attorney even though we’ve known Jennifer was getting a divorce for eight episodes. The scene is scored by heartfelt pop music that reminds me of the very end of an episode of 30 Rock a few weeks back when Tina Fey tells Alec Baldwin why she hates reality television.

Lemon: “Some people actually craft stories, and when the story doesn’t have an ending you don’t just create one out of thin air by playing music or by having people give each other meaningful looks. Sure that might manipulate an audience into thinking they’re feeling something… but it sucks.”

Jennifer attempts her meaningful look but accidently stares directly into the camera. Ack! What a Cathy. Then her and her lawyer walk into a room as we watch the doors close.

The End.
Next week: HOLY SPICOLI it’s the season finale of The Basketball Wives!
[SlapClap - @twitter]

Ep 9 Recap: Jump Off Jump-Offs

The Basketball Wives go to the oldest restaurant in Madrid named Botin. It will not come as a shock when I tell you that the girl’s taste buds don’t translate well to another food culture. Their generous waiter serves up the house specialty as a gift: a whole roasted suckling pig. 

I stopped eating meat over a year ago. However leaving that aside, in defense of the Wives – God help me - it can be a queasy experience eating food that still has its head attached if you’re not accustomed to that presentation. The important thing is to have the appropriate response to the kind gesture; express gratitude for the hospitality instead of picking up the roast pig and handing it back to the waiter with an “ew” face or covering a napkin over the pig that took 3+ hours to cook like it’s too much wedding cake.

Photobucket

"SQUEE!"

Tami’s reaction is especially egregious and more than a little forced. She’s so grossed out by the idea of pig for food she runs out onto the balcony pretending to almost vomit. Never mind that last episode we saw her panties go sploosh watching a bull get killed. 

Photobucket

The girls go to a Flamenco show next. Before the show they meet famous Flamenco dancer Rafael who charms them by mispronouncing eggplant and punctuating all of his sentences with the word “honey” like he’s Flo from Alice. During the show he brings Royce onstage and dances with her; it’s like a Spanish version of “Dancing in the Dark" without the Carlton dance.

Montage Alert: thong butt, board shorts, volleyball net, sign that says Miami. We must be back in Miami! 

It can be hard to get back into the swing of things after a long trip. You have to find your routine. For Evelyn and Jennifer that means gossip and day drinking; check and check. Jennifer hates Rafer Alston’s baby’s momma’s (momma’s momma) Ashley, and has heard from reliable blogs that Rafer is stashing away another woman in New Jersey. 

Evelyn asks the obvious next question; the one we were all thinking. All of us. “Who is the jump-off?” Evelyn doesn’t know if Ashley is the jump-off or if the girl in New Jersey is the jump-off, but since Ashley and Rafer have had a child together it’s more likely that the girl in Jersey is “probably more jump off-ish.”

Photobucket

In lieu of things actually happening, one of the most popular setups on The Basketball Wives is for someone to surprise someone else at dinner. It happened to Gloria Barnes in episode 3 and, most famously, it happened in Season 1 when the ghost of Wilt Chamberlain’s prom date appeared unannounced at brunch and gave a 45 minute lecture on the importance of abstinence. 

Photobucket

GHA-GHA-GHA-GHA-Ghost!

This time Ashley surprises Royce by inviting Suzie to dinner. Royce takes it in stride, maybe because she threw Suzie under the bus in Spain by telling Tami that Suzie called Tami a cunt after Suzie met Tami. Also, I never want to write again.

Rafer Alston and his jump-on again/jump-off again girlfriend Ashley visit Evelyn’s shoe shop. Jennifer seems shell-shocked to be in the same room as the people she just trashed. Plus Rafer and her have something of a past. Jennifer was still with Eric Williams when Eric and Rafer were teammates on now legendary ‘04-05 Toronto Raptors team: Donyell Marshall, Morris Peterson, Matt Bonner, Jalen Rose, Aaron Williams, Eric Williams, Loren Woods. That team broke a league record for most useless combo-forwards.

Rafer buys Ashley a pair of $1,155 dollar shoes and they stroll out of the store as if to say “We got your jump-off… of a cliff.”

For some reason there is a dramatic scene involving Jennifer’s visit to a divorce attorney even though we’ve known Jennifer was getting a divorce for eight episodes. The scene is scored by heartfelt pop music that reminds me of the very end of an episode of 30 Rock a few weeks back when Tina Fey tells Alec Baldwin why she hates reality television.

Photobucket

Lemon: “Some people actually craft stories, and when the story doesn’t have an ending you don’t just create one out of thin air by playing music or by having people give each other meaningful looks. Sure that might manipulate an audience into thinking they’re feeling something… but it sucks.”

Photobucket

Jennifer attempts her meaningful look but accidently stares directly into the camera. Ack! What a Cathy. Then her and her lawyer walk into a room as we watch the doors close.

Photobucket

The End.

Next week: HOLY SPICOLI it’s the season finale of The Basketball Wives!

[SlapClap - @twitter]

Ep 8 Recap: Hola y Adios!
Hola, and do not be alarmed. That was just me extending to you a greeting in another language. Foreign words hold no more power than regular words. They will not cast a spell on you, leaving you chained to a pirate ship at the bottom of the sea.
After all, is this not the international edition of Ze Busketbol Wives where they travel on holiday to Madrid looking to, how you say, get zheir grooves back? Come. Let me tell you of their adventures.
First though let me make a big deal about Royce being sick: ROYCE IS SICK! There. It’s the theme of tonight’s episode. She has a fever or something? I don’t really care. The point is she has the nerve to be sick in Spain. None of the other girls are sick, or amused. Evelyn, Jennifer, and Shaunie make fun of Royce on their way to the plane, while they’re on the plane, getting off of the plane, in the taxi to the hotel, at the hotel, at the restaurant after the hotel, and on the way back from the restaurant to the hotel. 

Tami is especially fed up. She hates all of Royce’s “pill taking” and “fever having,” but vows not to let Royce’s deformity, I mean fever, affect the trip. You might think that would be easy. After all, Tami and Royce are two different human beings, encased inside separate bodies, granted freedom of thought and movement; to my knowledge they do not share emotions telepathically like Cylons. Well you thought wrong. Nothing is that easy on… Ze Busketbol Wives! 
Boring Fashion Week montage. 
At a runway show the girls meet a hip designer who invites them to an exclusive after-party. All spontaneous, I’m sure. Meanwhile I am bored out of my synonym for head that rhymes with bored. Nothing is happening. No one is yelling at a tapas restaurant. Clearly the girls are holding back. They want to keep up appearances in front of all these fash-eon types. Lets hope Anthony Mason is at this after-party humping Charlize Theron on the dance floor like in that Woody Allen movie.

A square jawed man invites the girls to be on local Spanish television. One catch: he can only take three women. Who will be Sawyer and jump from the helicopter? The answer is no one. So he chooses to put Shaunie, Jennifer, and Evelyn on the show. Tami lights either a cigarette or a joint, it’s tough to say, and sicky icky Royce pouts like she’s one of the runway models.

Jennifer gets hit on by a man named Marcel who sells watches, and looks like John Locke (another Lost reference: take a shot). Marcel is a smooth customer. He presents her with a large wristwatch and the tagline: “the bigger, the better.” He means his genitals. They flirt like Tracy and Hepburn in one of those movies I’ve never seen; one of those movies where Spencer Tracy invites Katherine Hepburn to stare at his junk.

Royce wakes up the next morning and makes a horrible discovery. Overnight she turned into Rudy Huxtable! Wait no— she’s just still sick. The rest of the girls go try on clothes for famous fash-eon designer Juana Martin. They take turns trying on size 2 dresses— everyone except for Tami. Uh-oh. 
I’ve seen the previews of this episode. I know Tami eventually gets ghetto mad about something and starts screaming, and this must be it. It’s like watching the still moments before a volcanic explosion, except the volcano is stewing in the background during a Sex & the City montage. Said volcano is also chugging down high proof European wine.

When the girls leave the store Tami posts up against a wall, lights a cigarette and/or J, and strikes a pose like she’s Richard Pryor’s mom in Jo Jo Dancer. “Let me tell you about me,” she says to absolutely no one, but ABSOLUTELY to Evelyn.
"I am not a fake ass bitch, and I do not like fake ass bitches in my midst," she goes on. Tami accuses Evelyn of showing off then Evelyn calls Tami a crazy, insecure bitch. Then Tami says the one thing you don’t say when you want to prove you’re not crazy. She’s says she’s not crazy.
"All of these girls try to make me think I’m crazy. That I’m hearing things that nobody said. (dramatic pause) And I don’t like that."
Afterwards, Tami and Shaunie stroll through the gardens of Campo del Moro outside the Royal Palace of Madrid. Cool! I’ve been there! They don’t seem to be as impressed. I guess I didn’t have the hassle of dealing with “fake bitches” while I was contemplating how, nine centuries ago, Muslims made camp in those very same gardens before their desperate gamble to recapture Madrid from the Christians at the close of Europe’s First Crusades. Now it’s being used as a background prop on a VH1 reality show. We’ve come a long way.
Next up, the girls share appropriate levels of outrage watching a bullfight. Tami is the lone exception. She embraces its charms. Her eyes grow wide and wild in anticipation of the bull. Every second that passes is a moment closer to an inevitable end for either the bull or the matador. 

The corners of her mouth crawl upward slowly as the matador brings down banderilla after banderilla into the bull’s muscled shoulders. There is then the familiar flash of red, a series of passes. We are here now. This is the closing chapter; the faena. The matador’s aggrieved face hides no emotion. This will be his final blade. His strike makes fortune, piercing the bull’s neck until its raging heart. Tami cranes forward. She is oblivious yet completely aware. She has tasted excitement; this beasts death but a quenching bite.
I read a lot of Hemingway.
Next week, the girls get grossed out by a roasted pigs head. Adios!
[SlapClap]

Ep 8 Recap: Hola y Adios!

Hola, and do not be alarmed. That was just me extending to you a greeting in another language. Foreign words hold no more power than regular words. They will not cast a spell on you, leaving you chained to a pirate ship at the bottom of the sea.

After all, is this not the international edition of Ze Busketbol Wives where they travel on holiday to Madrid looking to, how you say, get zheir grooves back? Come. Let me tell you of their adventures.

First though let me make a big deal about Royce being sick: ROYCE IS SICK! There. It’s the theme of tonight’s episode. She has a fever or something? I don’t really care. The point is she has the nerve to be sick in Spain. None of the other girls are sick, or amused. Evelyn, Jennifer, and Shaunie make fun of Royce on their way to the plane, while they’re on the plane, getting off of the plane, in the taxi to the hotel, at the hotel, at the restaurant after the hotel, and on the way back from the restaurant to the hotel. 

Photobucket

Tami is especially fed up. She hates all of Royce’s “pill taking” and “fever having,” but vows not to let Royce’s deformity, I mean fever, affect the trip. You might think that would be easy. After all, Tami and Royce are two different human beings, encased inside separate bodies, granted freedom of thought and movement; to my knowledge they do not share emotions telepathically like Cylons. Well you thought wrong. Nothing is that easy on… Ze Busketbol Wives

Boring Fashion Week montage. 

At a runway show the girls meet a hip designer who invites them to an exclusive after-party. All spontaneous, I’m sure. Meanwhile I am bored out of my synonym for head that rhymes with bored. Nothing is happening. No one is yelling at a tapas restaurant. Clearly the girls are holding back. They want to keep up appearances in front of all these fash-eon types. Lets hope Anthony Mason is at this after-party humping Charlize Theron on the dance floor like in that Woody Allen movie.

Photobucket

A square jawed man invites the girls to be on local Spanish television. One catch: he can only take three women. Who will be Sawyer and jump from the helicopter? The answer is no one. So he chooses to put Shaunie, Jennifer, and Evelyn on the show. Tami lights either a cigarette or a joint, it’s tough to say, and sicky icky Royce pouts like she’s one of the runway models.

Photobucket

Jennifer gets hit on by a man named Marcel who sells watches, and looks like John Locke (another Lost reference: take a shot). Marcel is a smooth customer. He presents her with a large wristwatch and the tagline: “the bigger, the better.” He means his genitals. They flirt like Tracy and Hepburn in one of those movies I’ve never seen; one of those movies where Spencer Tracy invites Katherine Hepburn to stare at his junk.

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Royce wakes up the next morning and makes a horrible discovery. Overnight she turned into Rudy Huxtable! Wait no— she’s just still sick. The rest of the girls go try on clothes for famous fash-eon designer Juana Martin. They take turns trying on size 2 dresses— everyone except for Tami. Uh-oh. 

I’ve seen the previews of this episode. I know Tami eventually gets ghetto mad about something and starts screaming, and this must be it. It’s like watching the still moments before a volcanic explosion, except the volcano is stewing in the background during a Sex & the City montage. Said volcano is also chugging down high proof European wine.

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When the girls leave the store Tami posts up against a wall, lights a cigarette and/or J, and strikes a pose like she’s Richard Pryor’s mom in Jo Jo Dancer. “Let me tell you about me,” she says to absolutely no one, but ABSOLUTELY to Evelyn.

"I am not a fake ass bitch, and I do not like fake ass bitches in my midst," she goes on. Tami accuses Evelyn of showing off then Evelyn calls Tami a crazy, insecure bitch. Then Tami says the one thing you don’t say when you want to prove you’re not crazy. She’s says she’s not crazy.

"All of these girls try to make me think I’m crazy. That I’m hearing things that nobody said. (dramatic pause) And I don’t like that."

Afterwards, Tami and Shaunie stroll through the gardens of Campo del Moro outside the Royal Palace of Madrid. Cool! I’ve been there! They don’t seem to be as impressed. I guess I didn’t have the hassle of dealing with “fake bitches” while I was contemplating how, nine centuries ago, Muslims made camp in those very same gardens before their desperate gamble to recapture Madrid from the Christians at the close of Europe’s First Crusades. Now it’s being used as a background prop on a VH1 reality show. We’ve come a long way.

Next up, the girls share appropriate levels of outrage watching a bullfight. Tami is the lone exception. She embraces its charms. Her eyes grow wide and wild in anticipation of the bull. Every second that passes is a moment closer to an inevitable end for either the bull or the matador. 

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The corners of her mouth crawl upward slowly as the matador brings down banderilla after banderilla into the bull’s muscled shoulders. There is then the familiar flash of red, a series of passes. We are here now. This is the closing chapter; the faena. The matador’s aggrieved face hides no emotion. This will be his final blade. His strike makes fortune, piercing the bull’s neck until its raging heart. Tami cranes forward. She is oblivious yet completely aware. She has tasted excitement; this beasts death but a quenching bite.

I read a lot of Hemingway.

Next week, the girls get grossed out by a roasted pigs head. Adios!

[SlapClap]

Ep 7 Recap: Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?
I found out Ray Allen’s wife hosts a cooking show in the Boston area. I think more basketball wives should learn to cook at home to avoid the restaurant fights we so often see on this show. Also, learn to use your inside voice more ladies.
Speaking of, Evelyn and Jennifer go to a spa where Jennifer asks the lady at the front desk does the spa offer “happy endings?” The front desk lady touches her earlobe twice and everyone slowly backs out of the room as Jennifer is arrested on charges of solicitation of a prostitute.

Evelyn gives Jennifer the deets on her date last week with His Benevolence Pope Mike the Gym Trainer: “After dinner he put a blindfold on me and he’s like ‘Trust me, trust me’.” Jennifer says this sounds sexy; I say it sounds like a serial killer. 
Doesn’t Jennifer strike you as the woman who falls in love with an inmate at a maximum-security prison? “At our conjugal he made a heart out of his bubblegum and made it stick to the Plexiglass. He said that mess was cherry flavor, gurl. I was so turned on.”
A man delivers roses and a pair of expensive shoes to Evelyn. The shoes are actually pumps covered in studs that zip in the back, and if those don’t sound like gifts gym trainer Mike could afford, well yes. They’re actually from NFL wide receiver Chad Ochocinco.

Evelyn met “Ocho” on Twitter. Twitter is an exciting new social networking platform popularized by Middle East uprisings and Ice-T’s wife. The card with the flowers says “Child please, this is only the beginning.” Some great poets quote Shakespeare, others quote Wilona from Good Times. 

Be forewarned of love affairs on Twitter. I once had a torrid correspondence with @ShitMyMechanicSays until I found out she (or he) was DMing @IfMyPetTalked. While we’re talking about it – not like I brought it up - follow me on Twitter: @slapclap. I might send you a new pair of Crocs, but I won’t.
Remember over the summer when Matt Barnes got arrested for domestic violence? That’s this episode. Jennifer gives Evelyn the news. It’s important to note how much the rest of the Basketball Wives despise Matt’s wife Gloria. So lets see how they handle the situation:
This is not funny, okay? Matt needs therapy. This is serious. I feel bad for Gloria. This is serious! Remember how she used to rub her marriage in our faces? Serious! Honestly, I pity her. This is REALLY serious! Violence in the home? Really SERIOUS. I don’t wish it on nobody, not even her. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. MM-MM. [And scene]

Gloria is on her terrace in Los Angeles. Matt Barnes joins her with glasses of wine. “How are you doing Rapunzel? You going to let down your brown hair?” he asks in that creepy, Ray Liotta plays the villain kind of way. Gloria seems uncomfortable as it is. I guess because her husband maybe hit her a few days ago?
Gloria tells no one in particular (us) that charges against Matt have been dropped. Pee-u. I mean, phew. She goes “Yay,” like that woman in the Microsoft Cloud commercial.
Matt Barnes calls the arresting officers “punk ass cops” just trying to make a name for themselves. By arresting a journeyman small forward? Matt Barnes is confusing being shitty towards women with being the Zodiac killer. But he saves his real ire for the other Basketball Wives and does what any smart boy who just skated domestic violence charges would do while on national television. He threatens them: “I really hope I don’t see any of them in person because I don’t like calling any woman a bitch but all them are going to get bitch this and bitch that.”
I really want to stop the recap at this point. I think you understand why. Maybe take a shower, watch some episodes of Downton Abbey, read an all-ages comic book, anything but this. But wait there’s more!



My Sister, My Daughter Chinatown at MOVIECLIPS.com
Like Evelyn Mulwray in Chinatown our Evelyn also has an unbalanced, faux-sister relationship with her daughter. Evelyn is sad her daughter Shaniece is leaving for college because, as she puts it, “We’ve been connected at the hip since 1993.” 
Let me put it another, less tortured way: “Because we’ve been connected at the hip since I gave birth to you.” Or how about: “Because you came out of my womb in 1993. Remember that? I was in labor?” Shaniece seems mildly amused but Evelyn keeps emoting. “It’s going to be weird. Like, I’m going to be talking to you and you’re going to be somewhere else.” Now she’s just describing the concept of telephones: next scene, please?
Suzie visits Gloria in Los Angeles. Out by a cliff overlooking the ocean Gloria explains the incident with Matt. She says Matt never laid a hand on her. Suzie might not be convinced. She points out how steep the cliff is and how easy it’d be to get drunk and “accidently” fall in, never to be heard from again.

"I'm pretty kewl right now."
Evelyn video chats with Ochocinco. He smokes a dutchie and opens up his copy of “The Game” to the chapter on negging. Ocho tells Evelyn she doesn’t know how to dress; that he has better taste then her; he makes her apologize for saying she has better taste than him. Guess what? It works. She’s going to visit him in Cincinnati. Fans of thick irony will appreciate a later scene when Evelyn lectures Shaniece’s boyfriend to treat her daughter with respect. If only Shaneice was Jerome from Morris Day & The Time so she could pull out a mirror and show it to her mother.

Shaunie has a surprise for the rest of the Wives at brunch, but first we have to listen to them talk about Matt and Gloria again:
This is not funny. Did you hear he cancelled the wedding? This is serious. That’s why you can’t act like your shit don’t stank. This is serious! Remember when she said we were jealous of her because she’s mixed? This is SERIO—she said what? Does she know I’m half Puerto Rican? Does she know my great grandmother is white. Okay? WHITE!
On to Shaunie’s surprise: tickets to Madrid! This sounds wonderful. I’ve actually been to Madrid. It’s an amazing city: great museums like Reina Sofia where Picasso’s famous Guernica still hangs, not to mention the Prado, the Plaza Mayor, the Palacio Real, the Plaza de Independencia. I’m sure Shaunie agrees.
Shaunie?

"What better reason to go to Madrid then Fashion Week?" ~Shaunie O'Neal
Suzie is not invited because she blabbed about Vegas to Al Reynolds, and what happens blah, blah, blah stays blah, blah, blah, and all of that. Of course no one bothers to tell us what did happen. We’re just the viewers. So from now on when they allude to it I’m going to make up what happened. 
Anyway the Basketball Wives are headed to Madrid and this time what happens in Madrid - sniffing coke off a dick through a glory hole - STAYS in Madrid (sniffing coke off a dick through a glory hole).
Next week: What the hell happens in Madrid???
[SlapClap]

Ep 7 Recap: Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?

I found out Ray Allen’s wife hosts a cooking show in the Boston area. I think more basketball wives should learn to cook at home to avoid the restaurant fights we so often see on this show. Also, learn to use your inside voice more ladies.

Speaking of, Evelyn and Jennifer go to a spa where Jennifer asks the lady at the front desk does the spa offer “happy endings?” The front desk lady touches her earlobe twice and everyone slowly backs out of the room as Jennifer is arrested on charges of solicitation of a prostitute.

Photobucket

Evelyn gives Jennifer the deets on her date last week with His Benevolence Pope Mike the Gym Trainer: “After dinner he put a blindfold on me and he’s like ‘Trust me, trust me’.” Jennifer says this sounds sexy; I say it sounds like a serial killer. 

Doesn’t Jennifer strike you as the woman who falls in love with an inmate at a maximum-security prison? “At our conjugal he made a heart out of his bubblegum and made it stick to the Plexiglass. He said that mess was cherry flavor, gurl. I was so turned on.”

A man delivers roses and a pair of expensive shoes to Evelyn. The shoes are actually pumps covered in studs that zip in the back, and if those don’t sound like gifts gym trainer Mike could afford, well yes. They’re actually from NFL wide receiver Chad Ochocinco.

Photobucket

Evelyn met “Ocho” on Twitter. Twitter is an exciting new social networking platform popularized by Middle East uprisings and Ice-T’s wife. The card with the flowers says “Child please, this is only the beginning.” Some great poets quote Shakespeare, others quote Wilona from Good Times

Photobucket

Be forewarned of love affairs on Twitter. I once had a torrid correspondence with @ShitMyMechanicSays until I found out she (or he) was DMing @IfMyPetTalked. While we’re talking about it – not like I brought it up - follow me on Twitter: @slapclap. I might send you a new pair of Crocs, but I won’t.

Remember over the summer when Matt Barnes got arrested for domestic violence? That’s this episode. Jennifer gives Evelyn the news. It’s important to note how much the rest of the Basketball Wives despise Matt’s wife Gloria. So lets see how they handle the situation:

This is not funny, okay? Matt needs therapy. This is serious. I feel bad for Gloria. This is serious! Remember how she used to rub her marriage in our faces? Serious! Honestly, I pity her. This is REALLY serious! Violence in the home? Really SERIOUS. I don’t wish it on nobody, not even her. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. MM-MM. [And scene]

Photobucket

Gloria is on her terrace in Los Angeles. Matt Barnes joins her with glasses of wine. “How are you doing Rapunzel? You going to let down your brown hair?” he asks in that creepy, Ray Liotta plays the villain kind of way. Gloria seems uncomfortable as it is. I guess because her husband maybe hit her a few days ago?

Gloria tells no one in particular (us) that charges against Matt have been dropped. Pee-u. I mean, phew. She goes “Yay,” like that woman in the Microsoft Cloud commercial.

Matt Barnes calls the arresting officers “punk ass cops” just trying to make a name for themselves. By arresting a journeyman small forward? Matt Barnes is confusing being shitty towards women with being the Zodiac killer. But he saves his real ire for the other Basketball Wives and does what any smart boy who just skated domestic violence charges would do while on national television. He threatens them: “I really hope I don’t see any of them in person because I don’t like calling any woman a bitch but all them are going to get bitch this and bitch that.”

I really want to stop the recap at this point. I think you understand why. Maybe take a shower, watch some episodes of Downton Abbey, read an all-ages comic book, anything but this. But wait there’s more!

My Sister, My Daughter
Chinatown at MOVIECLIPS.com

Like Evelyn Mulwray in Chinatown our Evelyn also has an unbalanced, faux-sister relationship with her daughter. Evelyn is sad her daughter Shaniece is leaving for college because, as she puts it, “We’ve been connected at the hip since 1993.” 

Let me put it another, less tortured way: “Because we’ve been connected at the hip since I gave birth to you.” Or how about: “Because you came out of my womb in 1993. Remember that? I was in labor?” Shaniece seems mildly amused but Evelyn keeps emoting. “It’s going to be weird. Like, I’m going to be talking to you and you’re going to be somewhere else.” Now she’s just describing the concept of telephones: next scene, please?

Suzie visits Gloria in Los Angeles. Out by a cliff overlooking the ocean Gloria explains the incident with Matt. She says Matt never laid a hand on her. Suzie might not be convinced. She points out how steep the cliff is and how easy it’d be to get drunk and “accidently” fall in, never to be heard from again.

Photobucket

"I'm pretty kewl right now."

Evelyn video chats with Ochocinco. He smokes a dutchie and opens up his copy of “The Game” to the chapter on negging. Ocho tells Evelyn she doesn’t know how to dress; that he has better taste then her; he makes her apologize for saying she has better taste than him. Guess what? It works. She’s going to visit him in Cincinnati. Fans of thick irony will appreciate a later scene when Evelyn lectures Shaniece’s boyfriend to treat her daughter with respect. If only Shaneice was Jerome from Morris Day & The Time so she could pull out a mirror and show it to her mother.

Photobucket

Shaunie has a surprise for the rest of the Wives at brunch, but first we have to listen to them talk about Matt and Gloria again:

This is not funny. Did you hear he cancelled the wedding? This is serious. That’s why you can’t act like your shit don’t stank. This is serious! Remember when she said we were jealous of her because she’s mixed? This is SERIO—she said what? Does she know I’m half Puerto Rican? Does she know my great grandmother is white. Okay? WHITE!

On to Shaunie’s surprise: tickets to Madrid! This sounds wonderful. I’ve actually been to Madrid. It’s an amazing city: great museums like Reina Sofia where Picasso’s famous Guernica still hangs, not to mention the Prado, the Plaza Mayor, the Palacio Real, the Plaza de Independencia. I’m sure Shaunie agrees.

Shaunie?

Photobucket

"What better reason to go to Madrid then Fashion Week?" ~Shaunie O'Neal

Suzie is not invited because she blabbed about Vegas to Al Reynolds, and what happens blah, blah, blah stays blah, blah, blah, and all of that. Of course no one bothers to tell us what did happen. We’re just the viewers. So from now on when they allude to it I’m going to make up what happened. 

Anyway the Basketball Wives are headed to Madrid and this time what happens in Madrid - sniffing coke off a dick through a glory hole - STAYS in Madrid (sniffing coke off a dick through a glory hole).

Next week: What the hell happens in Madrid???

[SlapClap]

Ep. 4 Recap: Charitable DAMNATION
I get this question a lot. “Yo SlapClap, which ball player would you most want to watch an episode of The Basketball Wives with?” First of all, don’t yo me. Second of all, that’s easy: Walt “Clyde” Frazier. I don’t have to have a reason why.
Last of all, I never get that question.

Not even a bolo tie Phil?
Shaunie and her business manager “Phil Who’s Never Heard of a Tie” meet with a distributor about starting her own shoe line. They make it a point to tell us that Shaunie is her own stylist, which is a fancy way of saying she dresses herself.  She tells the distributor to add a zipper to something. Chop, chop!

Royce and Suzie go to a cupcake tasting – an actual thing - with Rafer Alston’s baby’s momma (momma’s momma). There’s a lot of blah, blah, blah about Rafer Alston’s baby’s momma (momma’s momma) not inviting Evelyn and Jennifer to a charity event. I find it hard to focus once I notice them pairing the cupcakes with Patron poured into paper cups. Why not a nice, full-bodied red? Something vintage?
Tequila and cupcakes is either bad poetry or every girl who just turned 21’s birthday party.

The Watcher at Toyotathon
A strange aspect of reality TV is when “characters” do verbal exposition. Like when Evelyn over shares about her failed relationship with Antoine Walker to a car dealer. She’s trading in her Range Rover for a Porsche. You see, Antoine Walker bought her the Range Rover and so getting rid of it for a new Porsche is a symbol of Evelyn’s independence- never mind she gets the Porsche by trading in the Range Rover. Gift of the Magi, or something!
Jennifer and Evelyn find out Rafer Alston’s baby’s momma (momma’s momma) didn’t invite them to her charity fundraiser. Probably because Jennifer accused her of harassing someone on the internet. So they call Shaunie to get the deets on the event in order to crash it. “Oof, it’s going to be good. And Suzie’s going to be there,” cackles Evelyn. “AND it’s for charity,” <— she does not say. 
The climatic scene at the aforementioned charity fundraiser goes down like this:
Tami hates Rafer Alston’s baby’s momma (momma’s momma) because she didn’t invite Evelyn to the fundraiser. Rafer Alston’s baby’s momma (momma’s momma) hates Tami because she condescends to her.
Suzi hates Jennifer and Evelyn because they hate her. Jennifer hates Rafer Alston’s baby’s momma (momma’s momma). Tami hates Royce, reasons unknown. Shaunie hates no one because she is Executive Producer of the show and has final cut. 
Whoops! Okay now Tami hates Jennifer because… she’s never been on food stamps? Okay now Tami takes her shoes off. Okay now Tami- uh-oh. TAMI FIGHT AT A CHARITY! This is a Chris Rock routine.

Next week, Tami gets “smart lipo” and EPIC Eric Williams sets the only therapist in Miami straight! C’mon Walt “Clyde.” You know you want to.
[SlapClap / @twitter]

Ep. 4 Recap: Charitable DAMNATION

I get this question a lot. “Yo SlapClap, which ball player would you most want to watch an episode of The Basketball Wives with?” First of all, don’t yo me. Second of all, that’s easy: Walt “Clyde” Frazier. I don’t have to have a reason why.

Last of all, I never get that question.

Not even a bolo tie Phil?

Shaunie and her business manager “Phil Who’s Never Heard of a Tie” meet with a distributor about starting her own shoe line. They make it a point to tell us that Shaunie is her own stylist, which is a fancy way of saying she dresses herself.  She tells the distributor to add a zipper to something. Chop, chop!

Royce and Suzie go to a cupcake tasting – an actual thing - with Rafer Alston’s baby’s momma (momma’s momma). There’s a lot of blah, blah, blah about Rafer Alston’s baby’s momma (momma’s momma) not inviting Evelyn and Jennifer to a charity event. I find it hard to focus once I notice them pairing the cupcakes with Patron poured into paper cups. Why not a nice, full-bodied red? Something vintage?

Tequila and cupcakes is either bad poetry or every girl who just turned 21’s birthday party.

The Watcher at Toyotathon

A strange aspect of reality TV is when “characters” do verbal exposition. Like when Evelyn over shares about her failed relationship with Antoine Walker to a car dealer. She’s trading in her Range Rover for a Porsche. You see, Antoine Walker bought her the Range Rover and so getting rid of it for a new Porsche is a symbol of Evelyn’s independence- never mind she gets the Porsche by trading in the Range Rover. Gift of the Magi, or something!

Jennifer and Evelyn find out Rafer Alston’s baby’s momma (momma’s momma) didn’t invite them to her charity fundraiser. Probably because Jennifer accused her of harassing someone on the internet. So they call Shaunie to get the deets on the event in order to crash it. “Oof, it’s going to be good. And Suzie’s going to be there,” cackles Evelyn. “AND it’s for charity,” <— she does not say. 

The climatic scene at the aforementioned charity fundraiser goes down like this:

Tami hates Rafer Alston’s baby’s momma (momma’s momma) because she didn’t invite Evelyn to the fundraiser. Rafer Alston’s baby’s momma (momma’s momma) hates Tami because she condescends to her.

Suzi hates Jennifer and Evelyn because they hate her. Jennifer hates Rafer Alston’s baby’s momma (momma’s momma). Tami hates Royce, reasons unknown. Shaunie hates no one because she is Executive Producer of the show and has final cut. 

Whoops! Okay now Tami hates Jennifer because… she’s never been on food stamps? Okay now Tami takes her shoes off. Okay now Tami- uh-oh. TAMI FIGHT AT A CHARITY! This is a Chris Rock routine.

Next week, Tami gets “smart lipo” and EPIC Eric Williams sets the only therapist in Miami straight! C’mon Walt “Clyde.” You know you want to.

[SlapClap / @twitter]

Ep. 3 Recap: EPIC Eric Williams!
A sweeping shot of Miami, setting of such film classics as Bad Boys, Bad Boys II and Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach.

"Sure. Sure."
Gloria tells Suzie over dinner that her and Matt Barnes postponed the wedding because they forgot why they were doing it, which is why I write stuff like &#8220;milk&#8221; on the back of my hand. Maybe Matt Barnes can get a tattoo on his neck that reminds him the caterer has a non-refundable deposit policy.

Suzie tells Gloria she wants to avoid the drama of Evelyn and the rest of the Basketball Wives, and on cue in walk the Basketball Wives. Evelyn, Royce and Shaunie O&#8217;Neal pull up seats to the table like they&#8217;re bullies about to beat up Ralph Malph on Happy Days. It devolves into a cackle of an argument that goes like this: 
&#8220;Ah-Ha, you ain&#8217;t get married yet.&#8221;
&#8220;So. You just mad you ain&#8217;t gottaman.&#8221;
&#8220;Whateva Positive K. Yo&#8217; man don&#8217;t even want you.&#8221;
&#8220;Relationships are complicated. Still, is not the institution of marriage too much a male privilege already for us to carry on in such a manner? The chasing of marriage not unlike war is a male ejaculation. Ouroboros, the Latin for a snake that devours its own tail. This exploitation of patriarchy rivals the male dominance of professional athletics with its frequent subjection of the female as adorer. You disagree?&#8221;
&#8220;??????????&#8221;

Later we meet Shaq and Shaunie&#8217;s gazillion kids. They play basketball on an indoor court monogrammed &#8220;Shaq.&#8221; Likewise, one of Shaq&#8217;s kids is monogrammed &#8220;Shaqir.&#8221; It&#8217;s a sort of compromise between George Foreman the 8th and something Donald Trump might build.

Suzie has moved on from Michael Olowokandi into the stable arms of Miami Dolphins 1st rounder Jared Odrick. Suzie pretends to not know anything about football. &#8220;So, like, you get four downs to get 100 yards?" "How far is 10 yards?" Jared explains that 10 yards is the distance from where they are to the door. BOOM! A measurement AND a threat. In the immortal words of Tom Scharpling, &#8220;I don&#8217;t like it. I LOVE IT!&#8221;
Eric Williams walks into Jennifer&#8217;s apartment like it&#8217;s &#8220;Lucy I&#8217;m home!" because he finally showed up to home in forever. Jennifer is angry because he was supposed to be there hours ago. Eric explains he was busy at the same time they run the graphic "ERIC WILLIAMS, Retired" underneath him.

This is his first time on the show and brother could he care less? Jennifer&#8217;s posturing and unhappiness rolls right off of him. This dude&#8217;s like The Dude. I&#8217;m surprised he&#8217;s not wearing a robe and a white russian mustache. When Jennifer tells him she isn&#8217;t happy with her situation he coldly retorts &#8220;Then get out the situation." An icicle cracks and hurtles to the Earth.
Jennifer&#8217;s plan was to force him into a heated yet intimate conversation about their relationship lasting well into the night and possibly ending in tears, morning sex and a renewal of vows. Eric has other plans. Namely, kill THAT noise.

What happens next is str8 up E.P.I.C! Eric Williams does something he could never do on a basketball court, score several points in a row.
He tells Jennifer that there marriage has no communication, no emotional attachment, that she is holding on to a faded memory or possibly the fear of failure - that love has no boundaries, relationships come and go and that neither of them smiles anymore -and that her so called friends are actually miserable divorcees with no lives who only offer brittle advice that she fix her marriage through sexual retribution.
Meanwhile, Royce is scared of bugs so her new boyfriend hugs her. SUPERCUTE!

Matt Barnes packs his tiny feet shoes
Matt Barnes sighting! He&#8217;s packing for Los Angeles. He accidently leaves behind a sealed box marked &#8220;Ron Artest&#8217;s game.&#8221;
Royce introduces her new boyfriend to the other Basketball Wives. It goes like this:
Boyfriend: &#8220;Hello. How are you?&#8221;
Basketball Wives: &#8220;YOU FUCK ROYCE YET???&#8221;

The show ends in a loud argument at a restaurant between Evelyn and somebody else- doesn&#8217;t matter who. Come to think of it this show is nothing except loud arguments at restaurants. They have so many of them it&#8217;s bleeding into shows on other networks. I swear I saw Evelyn screaming and taking her shoes off in the background of an episode of Iron Chef.
Next week Tami yells at some bitch for putting a thumb on one of her crab cake sliders. I&#8217;ll be back next week with analysis.
[SlapClap/@twitter]

Ep. 3 Recap: EPIC Eric Williams!

A sweeping shot of Miami, setting of such film classics as Bad Boys, Bad Boys II and Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach.

"Sure. Sure."

Gloria tells Suzie over dinner that her and Matt Barnes postponed the wedding because they forgot why they were doing it, which is why I write stuff like “milk” on the back of my hand. Maybe Matt Barnes can get a tattoo on his neck that reminds him the caterer has a non-refundable deposit policy.

Suzie tells Gloria she wants to avoid the drama of Evelyn and the rest of the Basketball Wives, and on cue in walk the Basketball Wives. Evelyn, Royce and Shaunie O’Neal pull up seats to the table like they’re bullies about to beat up Ralph Malph on Happy Days. It devolves into a cackle of an argument that goes like this: 

Ah-Ha, you ain’t get married yet.

So. You just mad you ain’t gottaman.

Whateva Positive K. Yo’ man don’t even want you.

Relationships are complicated. Still, is not the institution of marriage too much a male privilege already for us to carry on in such a manner? The chasing of marriage not unlike war is a male ejaculation. Ouroboros, the Latin for a snake that devours its own tail. This exploitation of patriarchy rivals the male dominance of professional athletics with its frequent subjection of the female as adorer. You disagree?

??????????

Later we meet Shaq and Shaunie’s gazillion kids. They play basketball on an indoor court monogrammed “Shaq.” Likewise, one of Shaq’s kids is monogrammed “Shaqir.” It’s a sort of compromise between George Foreman the 8th and something Donald Trump might build.

Suzie has moved on from Michael Olowokandi into the stable arms of Miami Dolphins 1st rounder Jared Odrick. Suzie pretends to not know anything about football. “So, like, you get four downs to get 100 yards?" "How far is 10 yards?" Jared explains that 10 yards is the distance from where they are to the door. BOOM! A measurement AND a threat. In the immortal words of Tom Scharpling, “I don’t like it. I LOVE IT!

Eric Williams walks into Jennifer’s apartment like it’s “Lucy I’m home!" because he finally showed up to home in forever. Jennifer is angry because he was supposed to be there hours ago. Eric explains he was busy at the same time they run the graphic "ERIC WILLIAMS, Retired" underneath him.

This is his first time on the show and brother could he care less? Jennifer’s posturing and unhappiness rolls right off of him. This dude’s like The Dude. I’m surprised he’s not wearing a robe and a white russian mustache. When Jennifer tells him she isn’t happy with her situation he coldly retorts “Then get out the situation." An icicle cracks and hurtles to the Earth.

Jennifer’s plan was to force him into a heated yet intimate conversation about their relationship lasting well into the night and possibly ending in tears, morning sex and a renewal of vows. Eric has other plans. Namely, kill THAT noise.

What happens next is str8 up E.P.I.C! Eric Williams does something he could never do on a basketball court, score several points in a row.

He tells Jennifer that there marriage has no communication, no emotional attachment, that she is holding on to a faded memory or possibly the fear of failure - that love has no boundaries, relationships come and go and that neither of them smiles anymore -and that her so called friends are actually miserable divorcees with no lives who only offer brittle advice that she fix her marriage through sexual retribution.

Meanwhile, Royce is scared of bugs so her new boyfriend hugs her. SUPERCUTE!

Matt Barnes packs his tiny feet shoes

Matt Barnes sighting! He’s packing for Los Angeles. He accidently leaves behind a sealed box marked “Ron Artest’s game.”

Royce introduces her new boyfriend to the other Basketball Wives. It goes like this:

Boyfriend: “Hello. How are you?”

Basketball Wives: “YOU FUCK ROYCE YET???”

The show ends in a loud argument at a restaurant between Evelyn and somebody else- doesn’t matter who. Come to think of it this show is nothing except loud arguments at restaurants. They have so many of them it’s bleeding into shows on other networks. I swear I saw Evelyn screaming and taking her shoes off in the background of an episode of Iron Chef.

Next week Tami yells at some bitch for putting a thumb on one of her crab cake sliders. I’ll be back next week with analysis.

[SlapClap/@twitter]

Episode 2 Recap: Yes, AND… So What?
Let&#8217;s not beat around the Kwanzaa bush like last week. It&#8217;s the holidays. We all want to be happy. So lets get this recap about cynical a-holes who make no one feel happy done and in the rear view mirror. Shall we?
Shaunie O&#8217;Neal rides horses with a guy named Marlon. It&#8217;s very Mad Men except that Marlon has on a wife beater. He also has no control of his horse, screaming &#8220;WHOA!&#8221; to it like he&#8217;s The Black Rob Whisperer. 

The girls go to a jewelry party hosted by Rafer Alston&#8217;s wife. Like everything else on South Beach, a &#8220;jewelry party&#8221; sounds like a euphemism for cocaine to me. Also, this reminds me of something I&#8217;ve been meaning to bring up on the blog: Where the fuck is Rafer Alston? Wasn&#8217;t he starting point guard on a team that made the NBA Finals two years ago? You&#8217;re telling me Minnesota couldn&#8217;t use a 6th point guard?

Jennifer Williams meets with Juli and Kim, two veteran basketball wives married to former players Mitch Richmond and Byron Russell. The aim is to give Jennifer marital advice that might help her rocky marriage to husband Eric Williams. Advice like &#8220;Don&#8217;t tell him Michael Jordan calls the house and wants to hang out&#8221; or &#8220;Don&#8217;t bring up Michael Jordan&#8217;s Hall of Fame speech when he&#8217;s in a bad mood&#8221;

OMG Dennis Scott just walked in!
Kenny Anderson finally realizes his own shortcomings as a husband and father, and apologizes to his ex-wife Tami over dinner. Here&#8217;s how shocking it is: Tami cries. It&#8217;s a no-look assist from the heart. I mean that quite literally. He can barely get the apology out. He doesn&#8217;t so much apologize as spit out an apology through his teeth like a cowboy in True Grit.
We also find out that Matt Barnes called off his wedding to fiancée Gloria over the summer. No mention made of this.

*footnote: according to the Lakers halftime report on holiday gift drives she is still his fiancée! They&#8217;re like Big and Carrie with hustle points. 
Evelyn is still mad about Vegas. Again with the Vegas? Realize, no one has said anything specific on this show about what ACTUALLY HAPPENED IN VEGAS? Is this a season long arc? Do we find out at the end? And what about that dog that keeps running loose on the island? Is that supposed to be Jacob? Fuck this, I&#8217;m watching CSI. 

*footnote: Evelyn is now engaged to Chad Ochocinco. Turn, turn, turn&#8230; 
Finally, I save the best for last because Michael Olowakandi&#8217;s ex-wife Suzie takes an improv class in this episode. It is some of the worst improv since my girlfriend found a porn URL in my browser history. She ignores everything to put on lip gloss and can&#8217;t play a simple game of Zip, Zap, Zop. It&#8217;s pointless trying to explain. Here. Enjoy it in pictures:




~Authored by SlapClap

Episode 2 Recap: Yes, AND… So What?

Let’s not beat around the Kwanzaa bush like last week. It’s the holidays. We all want to be happy. So lets get this recap about cynical a-holes who make no one feel happy done and in the rear view mirror. Shall we?

Shaunie O’Neal rides horses with a guy named Marlon. It’s very Mad Men except that Marlon has on a wife beater. He also has no control of his horse, screaming “WHOA!” to it like he’s The Black Rob Whisperer

The girls go to a jewelry party hosted by Rafer Alston’s wife. Like everything else on South Beach, a “jewelry party” sounds like a euphemism for cocaine to me. Also, this reminds me of something I’ve been meaning to bring up on the blog: Where the fuck is Rafer Alston? Wasn’t he starting point guard on a team that made the NBA Finals two years ago? You’re telling me Minnesota couldn’t use a 6th point guard?

Jennifer Williams meets with Juli and Kim, two veteran basketball wives married to former players Mitch Richmond and Byron Russell. The aim is to give Jennifer marital advice that might help her rocky marriage to husband Eric Williams. Advice like “Don’t tell him Michael Jordan calls the house and wants to hang out” or “Don’t bring up Michael Jordan’s Hall of Fame speech when he’s in a bad mood”

OMG Dennis Scott just walked in!

Kenny Anderson finally realizes his own shortcomings as a husband and father, and apologizes to his ex-wife Tami over dinner. Here’s how shocking it is: Tami cries. It’s a no-look assist from the heart. I mean that quite literally. He can barely get the apology out. He doesn’t so much apologize as spit out an apology through his teeth like a cowboy in True Grit.

We also find out that Matt Barnes called off his wedding to fiancée Gloria over the summer. No mention made of this.

*footnote: according to the Lakers halftime report on holiday gift drives she is still his fiancée! They’re like Big and Carrie with hustle points. 

Evelyn is still mad about Vegas. Again with the Vegas? Realize, no one has said anything specific on this show about what ACTUALLY HAPPENED IN VEGAS? Is this a season long arc? Do we find out at the end? And what about that dog that keeps running loose on the island? Is that supposed to be Jacob? Fuck this, I’m watching CSI

*footnote: Evelyn is now engaged to Chad Ochocinco. Turn, turn, turn… 

Finally, I save the best for last because Michael Olowakandi’s ex-wife Suzie takes an improv class in this episode. It is some of the worst improv since my girlfriend found a porn URL in my browser history. She ignores everything to put on lip gloss and can’t play a simple game of Zip, Zap, Zop. It’s pointless trying to explain. Here. Enjoy it in pictures:

~Authored by SlapClap

What Happens on Reality TV in Vegas, STAYS on Reality TV in Vegas
I wrote this recap of the season premiere of VH1 reality show Basketball Wives out of dumb boredom when I realized that not one of &#8220;me storyees&#8221; - Mad Men, The Walking Dead, Breaking Bad, Boardwalk Empire, Eastbound &amp; Down, and Delocated - is currently on-air, and that my cat has the whole &#8220;don&#8217;t talk when humans are around&#8221; thing down cold. Does your cat talk? (i think mines does) 
ANYWAY, lets meet the gurrrls!
 
Shaunie O&#8217;Neal is the ex-wife of &#8220;The Big Alimony,&#8221; Shaquille O&#8217;Neal. Shaunie is ostensibly den mother of the bunch- the voice of reason. Not afraid to pull a wife aside during brunch and let her know she isn&#8217;t eating brunch hard enough and it&#8217;s affecting the team.

The girl she&#8217;d most likely pull aside is former Orlando Magic cheerleader Royce. Royce is also Dwight Howard&#8217;s baby&#8217;s momma. You may know her from getting low at a Terrell Owens pool party. Right now she dates a man named Dwayne (not Dwyane). Dwayne (not Dwyane) is sweet but he hasn&#8217;t &#8220;made her hips spread yet.&#8221; Those are her words. 
It occurs to me that dating the ex-girlfriend of an NBA player must be an exercise in self-confidence, sexually. When I think of Dwayne (not Dwyane) I picture Woody Allen blowing on Royce&#8217;s neck while she thinks about Dwight Howard dunking a medicine ball over a giraffe.
 
Next up is Antoine Walker&#8217;s ex-wife Evelyn, a self-proclaimed feisty little bitch. She lets us know right off the bat that everything she has she owns- her and her alone. You hear that lone sharks and IRS collections agents? That&#8217;s not Antoine Walker&#8217;s bamboo luggage rack! It belongs to Evelyn. 
Later on we find out Evelyn&#8217;s self-proclaimed independence only goes so far. &#8220;I&#8217;m going to find a new man. I&#8217;m going to have a new baby. It&#8217;s going to work out,&#8221; she says with all the determination of Mrs. Schroeder&#8217;s character arc on Boardwalk Empire.

Jennifer is the wife of Eric Williams. You may remember Eric Williams as the poor man&#8217;s Walt Williams, or as the guy with the horrible +/- ratio, or as the guy who almost drew a charge but didn&#8217;t get there fast enough so the ref called it a block, or as the guy who almost scored a layup plus the foul but didn&#8217;t get there fast enough so the ref called it a charge.

Next is Suzie who was married to Michael Olowokondi. x_x

The new girl in Season 2 is Tami who we all remember as the fledgling singer on Real World: Los Angeles in 1993. She gave up on that career to marry Kenny Anderson and support his fledgling career as an NBA point guard. Then they got divorced. Then she got a weave. 

There is a very depressing scene where Kenny Anderson visits his two teenage daughters Jazz and Lyric for the first time in years. He has his own opinions as to why its been so long and asks Tami to apologize for keeping their daughters away from him. Tami points out that Kenny has had both of his daughter&#8217;s cell phone numbers for some time now, and that Kenny could have called his daughters anytime Kenny wanted to, thank you very much. This is shaping up to be Season 4 of Eastbound &amp; Down.
It&#8217;s a sad scene. The whole show is, actually. Basketball Wives is an altogether disheartening glimpse into the love life of professional athletes. I won&#8217;t pity anyone whose household income is a $30 million dollar contract, but every one of these relationships seem unbelievably cynical. Built on 5 game road trips, undeleted text messages, and player&#8217;s wives who hang out with other player&#8217;s ex-wives like some strange Before/After window menagerie reflected in a carnival mirror.
But none of that is very funny, is it? You know what is? Shit that happens in Vegas not staying in it.

Evelyn is all worked up because fellow basketball ex-wife Al Reynolds (he was married to Star Jones who is shaped like a basketball) heard about their trip to Vegas over the summer. Evelyn can&#8217;t believe it. How does Al Reynolds know about her trip to Las Vegas with Jennifer and Suzie? Jennifer is right next to her just as clueless. Someone is being a gossip, and that someone&#8217;s name starts with an &#8220;S&#8221; and ends with an &#8220;Olowokondi.&#8221;
Evelyn shames Suzie in public, and then for good measure does it again in front of the rest of the wives. Is this why the LeBron in Vegas article got nixed? So many secrets. Suzie walks out defeated then calls the only person in the world that can guide her through her emotional peril. Matt Barnes wife, Gloria.

*a record scratches*
Matt Barnes??? No one told me there&#8217;d be Matt Barnes stuff on this show. I hate to admit it just as much as you probably hate to hear it, but this might not be my only recap of … (drumroll for effect) The Basketball Wives.
~SlapClap

What Happens on Reality TV in Vegas, STAYS on Reality TV in Vegas

I wrote this recap of the season premiere of VH1 reality show Basketball Wives out of dumb boredom when I realized that not one of “me storyees” - Mad Men, The Walking Dead, Breaking Bad, Boardwalk Empire, Eastbound & Down, and Delocated - is currently on-air, and that my cat has the whole “don’t talk when humans are around” thing down cold. Does your cat talk? (i think mines does) 

ANYWAY, lets meet the gurrrls!

 

Shaunie O’Neal is the ex-wife of “The Big Alimony,” Shaquille O’Neal. Shaunie is ostensibly den mother of the bunch- the voice of reason. Not afraid to pull a wife aside during brunch and let her know she isn’t eating brunch hard enough and it’s affecting the team.

The girl she’d most likely pull aside is former Orlando Magic cheerleader Royce. Royce is also Dwight Howard’s baby’s momma. You may know her from getting low at a Terrell Owens pool party. Right now she dates a man named Dwayne (not Dwyane). Dwayne (not Dwyane) is sweet but he hasn’t “made her hips spread yet.” Those are her words. 

It occurs to me that dating the ex-girlfriend of an NBA player must be an exercise in self-confidence, sexually. When I think of Dwayne (not Dwyane) I picture Woody Allen blowing on Royce’s neck while she thinks about Dwight Howard dunking a medicine ball over a giraffe.

 

Next up is Antoine Walker’s ex-wife Evelyn, a self-proclaimed feisty little bitch. She lets us know right off the bat that everything she has she owns- her and her alone. You hear that lone sharks and IRS collections agents? That’s not Antoine Walker’s bamboo luggage rack! It belongs to Evelyn. 

Later on we find out Evelyn’s self-proclaimed independence only goes so far. “I’m going to find a new man. I’m going to have a new baby. It’s going to work out,” she says with all the determination of Mrs. Schroeder’s character arc on Boardwalk Empire.

Jennifer is the wife of Eric Williams. You may remember Eric Williams as the poor man’s Walt Williams, or as the guy with the horrible +/- ratio, or as the guy who almost drew a charge but didn’t get there fast enough so the ref called it a block, or as the guy who almost scored a layup plus the foul but didn’t get there fast enough so the ref called it a charge.

Next is Suzie who was married to Michael Olowokondi. x_x

The new girl in Season 2 is Tami who we all remember as the fledgling singer on Real World: Los Angeles in 1993. She gave up on that career to marry Kenny Anderson and support his fledgling career as an NBA point guard. Then they got divorced. Then she got a weave. 

There is a very depressing scene where Kenny Anderson visits his two teenage daughters Jazz and Lyric for the first time in years. He has his own opinions as to why its been so long and asks Tami to apologize for keeping their daughters away from him. Tami points out that Kenny has had both of his daughter’s cell phone numbers for some time now, and that Kenny could have called his daughters anytime Kenny wanted to, thank you very much. This is shaping up to be Season 4 of Eastbound & Down.

It’s a sad scene. The whole show is, actually. Basketball Wives is an altogether disheartening glimpse into the love life of professional athletes. I won’t pity anyone whose household income is a $30 million dollar contract, but every one of these relationships seem unbelievably cynical. Built on 5 game road trips, undeleted text messages, and player’s wives who hang out with other player’s ex-wives like some strange Before/After window menagerie reflected in a carnival mirror.

But none of that is very funny, is it? You know what is? Shit that happens in Vegas not staying in it.

Evelyn is all worked up because fellow basketball ex-wife Al Reynolds (he was married to Star Jones who is shaped like a basketball) heard about their trip to Vegas over the summer. Evelyn can’t believe it. How does Al Reynolds know about her trip to Las Vegas with Jennifer and Suzie? Jennifer is right next to her just as clueless. Someone is being a gossip, and that someone’s name starts with an “S” and ends with an “Olowokondi.”

Evelyn shames Suzie in public, and then for good measure does it again in front of the rest of the wives. Is this why the LeBron in Vegas article got nixed? So many secrets. Suzie walks out defeated then calls the only person in the world that can guide her through her emotional peril. Matt Barnes wife, Gloria.

*a record scratches*

Matt Barnes??? No one told me there’d be Matt Barnes stuff on this show. I hate to admit it just as much as you probably hate to hear it, but this might not be my only recap of … (drumroll for effect) The Basketball Wives.

~SlapClap

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