Season Finale: Ultimate Restaurant Fighting!
Like a freshly pumped basketball rolling out of a high school gymnasium in Connecticut only to upset a nest of Yellow-headed Blackbirds whose chirping stirs a lady cat in a perfume shop to play with her ball of yarn until it bumps a desk and knocks over a bottle of white paint, the contents of which spill onto said lady cat, forming a perfect white line on her back that fools an oversexed skunk with a French accent into repeated acts of wooing that, when unreciprocated, drives the skunk into a lovers rage so that he buys a loaded pistol from a pawn shop and corners lady cat, who he thinks is a skunk, to tell her with the wild eyes of Max Cady in Cape Fear … this is the end!
It’s the season finale of The Basketball Wives and we’re off to a classy start. Shots of Miami Beach scored to some song I’ve never heard before that goes like this:
Hold up/Now turn around/Like the way you doing that thang/Turn around/Trying to see ya pop n jerk it/Work it, twerk it/Put it on me/TURN AROUND!
Am I listening to music or being mugged?
Anyway, Jennifer makes a highly articulate point about Evelyn’s budding relationship with NFL wide receiver Chad Ochocinco. “Chad sent (Evelyn) some flowers, aaand some shoes, which— I thought it was sweet but… a little weird? Because they hadn’t met. So it’s like, I don’t know. Like, who does that?”
Jennifer warns Evelyn to take it slow, especially with an athlete. I get the feeling that Jennifer and Evelyn have been stranded on “Athleteless Island” for awhile now – far too long – but now Evelyn might be getting airlifted back to the pro athlete mainland with its multiple cars and expensive make up gifts while Jennifer is left on the island starving, athleteless, and staring at a guy who owns an auto dealership until he starts to look like a hot dog.
Measles Island (no athletes)
Do you guys remember Pope Mike the gym trainer who took Evelyn ice skating? Evelyn invites him over for dinner to explain to him, in front of cameras, that she can’t date him because he’s too young, he’s too inexperienced and he’s too, mmm, unprofessional footbally?
The kick is they have real chemistry, unlike Ochocinco who negs Evelyn into submission. Mike is kind with compliments as he stands in the kitchen cooking Evelyn her favorite meal.
Lip Lause Line Launch party, y’all! Jennifer has a launch party for her line of lip gloss. I had no idea that people threw parties for niche cosmetics. Then again why would I? Half my socks have holes in them and I only wear two pairs of jeans. The rest of the girls seem as confused though. “This isn’t really giving me launch party feel. It feels like us getting together for dinner,” says Shaunie.
Jennifer introduces the girls to her lawyer (she has more than one). He gives her the good news that a store is interested in carrying her lip gloss. Come again? I thought the whole idea of “launch parties” is to celebrate when a thing – for example the space shuttle – launches. This lip gloss isn’t even in a store yet? Shaunie is right. Lets just call this what it is— dinner.
Evelyn flies to Cincinnati to see Ochocinco. Unlike with Mike, no home cooked meal awaits; Ochocinco can’t even make vodka on the rocks. What he can do is take her in his Rolls Royce to the hottest restaurant in Cincinnati, probably, to discuss his “intentions” with a rich divorcee who flew from Miami to Cincinnati to visit a man she previously only talked to on Skype. After dinner they go back to his place where he carries her up some stairs, and presumably off Athleteless Island.
Yelp should sponsor this show. We are now on the sixth restaurant scene of the episode; this time for Jennifer’s birthday. What happens next is an absolute puddle of confusing emotions.
Tami starts to weep at the table, and tells everyone that Evelyn inspires her to get back on her grind; the modern day equivalent of getting back on a horse. I don’t like it because it’s sad, and I don’t want to feel sad for any of these people but I do – right now – for Tami. I will never forget that moment when she stood up at the dinner table and told everyone, “I have to go use the bathroom.”
So after Tami tells Evelyn that she inspires her because of how much Evelyn reminds Tami of herself, when she was younger, prettier and dating a rich athlete, Evelyn – who is younger, prettier and still dating rich athletes – whispers to Shaunie that she has a secret: Evelyn dated Tami’s ex-husband Kenny Anderson for six months WHILE THEY WERE STILL MARRIED.
Obviously Evelyn has to tell Tami and obviously the appropriate time is not now, at this restaurant, seconds after Tami cried her guts out about Evelyn being her inspiration. But obviously Shaunie is a stickler for the truth, and DUH – obvs; WINNING – there is the matter of this reality TV show they are all on. So Shaunie tells Evelyn to go tell Tami that she slept with her ex-husband. (GULP)
Dear readers, it is not pretty. Evelyn insists she didn’t know they were married. After Tami digests the news she assures everybody listening that no ho (read Evelyn), or no bitch (read Evelyn), or no jump off (read last episode) can convince her they didn’t know Kenny Anderson was married. She’s right. Hell I even knew it and I haven’t been a groupie since I was reincarnated. Tami feels betrayed, but not because Evelyn slept with her husband– she is past that. She realizes now Evelyn was never her friend.
Eventually the truth slips out. During the heat of the argument Evelyn yells at Tami “You were a non-mothafucking-factor bitch!" Tami lunges for her throat. Hair is pulled, arms flail, and the entire restaurant has to pull the two apart. Tami is fuming, and for the first time on this show I understand why.
“You’re going to tell me that you slept with my ex-husband and that I was obsolete – that I didn’t matter. That is disrespectful,” she says.
“I felt that she had just displayed the ultimate form of betrayal in terms of what I thought our friendship was developing into.”
Wait, one one more:
“If I was smiling in your face, and had fucked your man and didn’t tell you that shit— that shit is FOUL.”
My God this show is evil.
And not just evil because, clearly, they set up this whole “I have a secret” angle so Tami would freak out. This show is evil because it was the best moment of the season! It was mesmerizing. The misery of another human being had me giving thumbs up from my throne at the coliseum— couch at the coliseum (I live in a coliseum). This show makes me Miami Hate myself.
But then I must pause and remember why I did these recaps in the first place; I did these recaps… for you.
For you, the lonely toll booth operator slaving away in his booth without any time to watch reality TV, but with the time to read extra long recaps about reality TV; for you, the grad student at MIT who never heard of The Basketball Wives but may have just found a way to reduce activation loss in fuel cell research. Why? Because she saved time by reading these recaps instead of watching a stupid show she didn’t know existed; and of course I did this for you. Yes you, right there. The one reading this on your desktop/laptop/iPad/Kindle/Zune/microfiche held up to light.
And for all this hard work, recapping each of these 10 glorious episodes, you are welcome. You. Are. Welcome.
Now if you will excuse me, I have to go take a Silkwood shower.