Ep 9 Recap: Jump Off Jump-Offs
The Basketball Wives go to the oldest restaurant in Madrid named Botin. It will not come as a shock when I tell you that the girl’s taste buds don’t translate well to another food culture. Their generous waiter serves up the house specialty as a gift: a whole roasted suckling pig.
I stopped eating meat over a year ago. However leaving that aside, in defense of the Wives – God help me - it can be a queasy experience eating food that still has its head attached if you’re not accustomed to that presentation. The important thing is to have the appropriate response to the kind gesture; express gratitude for the hospitality instead of picking up the roast pig and handing it back to the waiter with an “ew” face or covering a napkin over the pig that took 3+ hours to cook like it’s too much wedding cake.
Tami’s reaction is especially egregious and more than a little forced. She’s so grossed out by the idea of pig for food she runs out onto the balcony pretending to almost vomit. Never mind that last episode we saw her panties go sploosh watching a bull get killed.
The girls go to a Flamenco show next. Before the show they meet famous Flamenco dancer Rafael who charms them by mispronouncing eggplant and punctuating all of his sentences with the word “honey” like he’s Flo from Alice. During the show he brings Royce onstage and dances with her; it’s like a Spanish version of “Dancing in the Dark" without the Carlton dance.
Montage Alert: thong butt, board shorts, volleyball net, sign that says Miami. We must be back in Miami!
It can be hard to get back into the swing of things after a long trip. You have to find your routine. For Evelyn and Jennifer that means gossip and day drinking; check and check. Jennifer hates Rafer Alston’s baby’s momma’s (momma’s momma) Ashley, and has heard from reliable blogs that Rafer is stashing away another woman in New Jersey.
Evelyn asks the obvious next question; the one we were all thinking. All of us. “Who is the jump-off?” Evelyn doesn’t know if Ashley is the jump-off or if the girl in New Jersey is the jump-off, but since Ashley and Rafer have had a child together it’s more likely that the girl in Jersey is “probably more jump off-ish.”
In lieu of things actually happening, one of the most popular setups on The Basketball Wives is for someone to surprise someone else at dinner. It happened to Gloria Barnes in episode 3 and, most famously, it happened in Season 1 when the ghost of Wilt Chamberlain’s prom date appeared unannounced at brunch and gave a 45 minute lecture on the importance of abstinence.
This time Ashley surprises Royce by inviting Suzie to dinner. Royce takes it in stride, maybe because she threw Suzie under the bus in Spain by telling Tami that Suzie called Tami a cunt after Suzie met Tami. Also, I never want to write again.
Rafer Alston and his jump-on again/jump-off again girlfriend Ashley visit Evelyn’s shoe shop. Jennifer seems shell-shocked to be in the same room as the people she just trashed. Plus Rafer and her have something of a past. Jennifer was still with Eric Williams when Eric and Rafer were teammates on now legendary ‘04-05 Toronto Raptors team: Donyell Marshall, Morris Peterson, Matt Bonner, Jalen Rose, Aaron Williams, Eric Williams, Loren Woods. That team broke a league record for most useless combo-forwards.
Rafer buys Ashley a pair of $1,155 dollar shoes and they stroll out of the store as if to say “We got your jump-off… of a cliff.”
For some reason there is a dramatic scene involving Jennifer’s visit to a divorce attorney even though we’ve known Jennifer was getting a divorce for eight episodes. The scene is scored by heartfelt pop music that reminds me of the very end of an episode of 30 Rock a few weeks back when Tina Fey tells Alec Baldwin why she hates reality television.
Lemon: “Some people actually craft stories, and when the story doesn’t have an ending you don’t just create one out of thin air by playing music or by having people give each other meaningful looks. Sure that might manipulate an audience into thinking they’re feeling something… but it sucks.”
Jennifer attempts her meaningful look but accidently stares directly into the camera. Ack! What a Cathy. Then her and her lawyer walk into a room as we watch the doors close.
Next week: HOLY SPICOLI it’s the season finale of The Basketball Wives!
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