Ep 6 Recap: Four Dates and a Funeral
Evelyn goes on a date with a man she met off camera at a grocery store. After last week’s debacle I’m very suspicious of anything that happens off camera on this show. She asks him a harmless enough question: “Where do you like to hang out?” He giggles, and then he giggles some more, and now he’s giggling A LOT. This is getting weird. Here it comes. Surprise, surprise: he’s a totally uncontrived male stripper!
“Two minutes into the date I was ready to go. I knew right away this was a (bleep) show and it wasn’t going anywhere,” she says to camera. <- So meta I hurt inside.
Royce and her boyfriend Dwayne (not Dwyane) are sitting by a lake trashing Evelyn and Jennifer for not having showed up to her dance performance last week FOR CHARITY. They don’t notice the furtive duck eavesdropping on them in the background.
Now I don’t know if it’s that Evelyn and Jennifer have a telepathic ability to communicate with birds, or if they built a fake robot duck and installed A/V equipment in its beak, or if they merely shrunk themselves in size and rode the wet-feathered hide of a duck so they could listen in on Royce and Dwayne’s betrayal. Whatever the case that duck is not to be trusted. So please don’t react when I whisper this to you: …it’s right behind you.
A couple of weeks ago we watched Shaunie O’Neal start her own shoe line and this week Jennifer meets with a cosmetics company about starting her own liplausline.
Me: A what?
My DVR: A liplausline.
Me: A what-the-what?
My DVR: Liplausline!
Honey you’re going to have to speak up. You’re starting a WHAT now? OH a lip gloss line. Well good luck with that.
Evelyn and Tami meet for brunch. It has all the makings of another restaurant fight. Instead it turns into one of the most sincere moments this show has to offer. Those are few and far between on The Basketball Wives. Most conversations are an excuse to establish plot points through exposition, i.e. David Mamet’s worst nightmare.
Tami opens up about her abortion and candidly admits her first pregnancy with Kenny Anderson was the result of a drunken night. They talk about that line of demarcation when a husband betrays trust by cheating. Suddenly marriage becomes its own job: the chore of cleaning up after the lies of a spoiled grown man. I don’t get the motives behind much that happens on this show (clearly) but I get this.
Shirt blurred out to protect the innocent.
Meanwhile Royce seduces Dwayne with a surprise lingerie show. There is a sultry montage of her applying oils and creams to her already smooth skin as Dwayne waits in the other room *wearing a shirt so ugly Steve Harvey refuses to pee on it. Royce cooks oatmeal in her lingerie and they talk about marriage. It’s kind of sweet. Again, not a lot to poke holes at here. This episode is starting to suck.
Not so fast, screams Eric Williams.
EPIC Eric and Jennifer meet for a drink to talk about why he is so eager to move on from their marriage. Jennifer is especially perturbed that he doesn’t want to remain friends. It’s because Eric is secretly love sick. The pair separated two years ago and ever since it’s been a long drawing out of the inevitable. He wants out so much so he goes all Beautiful Mind at the table and draws up a pretend divorce settlement on a tablecloth giving her half in alimony. Here, my dear. This guy needs more closure than The Lovely Bones.
Thankfully Jennifer has her liplausline to distract her. She tries on different gloss in the mirror as men helplessly surround her. Say what you will about Jennifer - AND I WILL -she owns a set of lips that could wreck an empire. “Can we make it taste good?” she asks the yes men. “YES!” they say. So do I. Then they make her THEIR NEW CHAIRPERSON? What? Did these guys get so distracted by imaginary BJ’s they sold her their company? Add that to Eric Williams signing over half his income and I’m starting to think Jennifer is Helen of Troy.
Eric Williams plays basketball one-handed with his best buds: “And one thing I know about my boys. When I need them I can always count on them.” Especially when he needs them to lose at basketball so he can feel better about himself.
Evelyn goes on another date this time with her trainer Mike. Mike tells Evelyn his girlfriend is “excommunicated.” Seems harsh. There is no further explanation on whether or not his ex-girlfriend had been excommunicated under Code of Canon Law precepts – a public shunning by decree of vitandus – or if her excommunication falls short of full-fledged anathema. That would exclude her only from the holy sacrament of Eucharist, and of course the love and light of God. I guess look for those answers on the DVD extras.
Jennifer and Eric go on a double date with Bryon Russell and his wife Kim. The Russell’s still believe there is a chance that Jennifer and Eric can save their marriage. They obviously don’t watch the show. Kim sets the ground rules. “We’re going to leave the past in the past,” she says. As with all great historians, Jennifer quibbles with this logic: “What if the past is sill relevant?”
This sets off a tirade worthy of Australian parliament. Jennifer even snaps at one point “I have the floor!”
Eric’s point is that he worked hard to be a basketball player but all that time and energy poisoned his marriage, and that there is no coming back. He’s been searching for support from Bryon Russell the whole night but Bryon seems the exact opposite of Eric. He’s a happy, very content man. He loves his wife and if he never sees another basketball, or 18” poster of Michael Jordan winning his sixth NBA championship, he’d be a happy man.
"Make him go left," they tell you. YOU make him go left if it's that easy.
Jennifer’s point to Eric is ENOUGH WITH THIS SH#T. She turns into the worst GPS guide ever: “You going to the left! I’m going to the fucking right! Keep it fucking moving.”
Oh look, it’s a restaurant fight.
The marriage has run into its final ditch, and the poor Russell’s didn’t even get past appetizers. It’s a funeral for a marriage, which also sounds like lyrics to an Arcade Fire song. May it rest in peace. (the marriage; not the Arcade Fire)
Next week: Matt Barne’s!!!
*more ugly shirt jokes:
That shirt is so ugly Ed Hardy wants it.
That shirt is so ugly a picture of Donatella Versace jumped off of it in fear.
That shirt is so ugly there’s a clip of Robin Harris making fun of the tailor on YouTube.
[slapclap / @twitter]