Ep. 3 Recap: EPIC Eric Williams!
A sweeping shot of Miami, setting of such film classics as Bad Boys, Bad Boys II and Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach.
Gloria tells Suzie over dinner that her and Matt Barnes postponed the wedding because they forgot why they were doing it, which is why I write stuff like “milk” on the back of my hand. Maybe Matt Barnes can get a tattoo on his neck that reminds him the caterer has a non-refundable deposit policy.
Suzie tells Gloria she wants to avoid the drama of Evelyn and the rest of the Basketball Wives, and on cue in walk the Basketball Wives. Evelyn, Royce and Shaunie O’Neal pull up seats to the table like they’re bullies about to beat up Ralph Malph on Happy Days. It devolves into a cackle of an argument that goes like this:
“Ah-Ha, you ain’t get married yet.”
“So. You just mad you ain’t gottaman.”
“Whateva Positive K. Yo’ man don’t even want you.”
“Relationships are complicated. Still, is not the institution of marriage too much a male privilege already for us to carry on in such a manner? The chasing of marriage not unlike war is a male ejaculation. Ouroboros, the Latin for a snake that devours its own tail. This exploitation of patriarchy rivals the male dominance of professional athletics with its frequent subjection of the female as adorer. You disagree?”
Later we meet Shaq and Shaunie’s gazillion kids. They play basketball on an indoor court monogrammed “Shaq.” Likewise, one of Shaq’s kids is monogrammed “Shaqir.” It’s a sort of compromise between George Foreman the 8th and something Donald Trump might build.
Suzie has moved on from Michael Olowokandi into the stable arms of Miami Dolphins 1st rounder Jared Odrick. Suzie pretends to not know anything about football. “So, like, you get four downs to get 100 yards?" "How far is 10 yards?" Jared explains that 10 yards is the distance from where they are to the door. BOOM! A measurement AND a threat. In the immortal words of Tom Scharpling, “I don’t like it. I LOVE IT!”
Eric Williams walks into Jennifer’s apartment like it’s “Lucy I’m home!" because he finally showed up to home in forever. Jennifer is angry because he was supposed to be there hours ago. Eric explains he was busy at the same time they run the graphic "ERIC WILLIAMS, Retired" underneath him.
This is his first time on the show and brother could he care less? Jennifer’s posturing and unhappiness rolls right off of him. This dude’s like The Dude. I’m surprised he’s not wearing a robe and a white russian mustache. When Jennifer tells him she isn’t happy with her situation he coldly retorts “Then get out the situation." An icicle cracks and hurtles to the Earth.
Jennifer’s plan was to force him into a heated yet intimate conversation about their relationship lasting well into the night and possibly ending in tears, morning sex and a renewal of vows. Eric has other plans. Namely, kill THAT noise.
What happens next is str8 up E.P.I.C! Eric Williams does something he could never do on a basketball court, score several points in a row.
He tells Jennifer that there marriage has no communication, no emotional attachment, that she is holding on to a faded memory or possibly the fear of failure - that love has no boundaries, relationships come and go and that neither of them smiles anymore -and that her so called friends are actually miserable divorcees with no lives who only offer brittle advice that she fix her marriage through sexual retribution.
Meanwhile, Royce is scared of bugs so her new boyfriend hugs her. SUPERCUTE!
Matt Barnes packs his tiny feet shoes
Matt Barnes sighting! He’s packing for Los Angeles. He accidently leaves behind a sealed box marked “Ron Artest’s game.”
Royce introduces her new boyfriend to the other Basketball Wives. It goes like this:
Boyfriend: “Hello. How are you?”
Basketball Wives: “YOU FUCK ROYCE YET???”
The show ends in a loud argument at a restaurant between Evelyn and somebody else- doesn’t matter who. Come to think of it this show is nothing except loud arguments at restaurants. They have so many of them it’s bleeding into shows on other networks. I swear I saw Evelyn screaming and taking her shoes off in the background of an episode of Iron Chef.
Next week Tami yells at some bitch for putting a thumb on one of her crab cake sliders. I’ll be back next week with analysis.